All or Nothing
by Orlandoinabedsheet
Summary: The musing of an abused heart. SB/RL
1. Musing

Title: All or Nothing  
Author: CC   
Summary: The musing of an abused heart  
Rating: PG  
Dedication: The Lovely Ladies who keep me grounded, you know who you are.   
Disclaimer: No money, not JK, Don't sue.  
Archive: Tell me if you want it.  
Feedback: Please?

It's always the same. Every night of the week before a full moon, when the need is the worst, he slips into my bed silent as an illusion. We make love, some times soft and slow, sometimes desperate and needy. Then when it's over, just as I'm about to pull him close and snuggle down to sleep he slips from the bed. He whispers "I love you," gives me one last kiss and returns to his bed.

When at last the moon is full and Moony and Padfoot run together in the pale light of the moon we are truly mates. We run together and lick and nuzzle and communicate in ways even I don't understand. During a full moon I simply know he truly loves me. Even Peter can see it. 

And yet during the other twenty-one days of the month he rarely so much as gives me a kiss or a tender look. 

But tonight will be different. Tonight I'm going to tell Remus that my heart is all or nothing and leave the choice to him.

...I can only hope he chooses all.


	2. Asking

Ophel McNeil- It's a year late but Here you go.

Tiger- So much for Angst.

Buttercream- Romantic… those who can't do, write as the saying goes, and I am just one of those.

"Remus?"

He stops, feet out the curtains already, "What Sirius? I need my sleep."

"I can't do this anymore," Sirius says softly, watching for a physical reaction as well as a verbal one.

He turns around, "Can't do what?"

"I can't be the wolf's play thing anyone. Either you love me all the time or you don't. There's nothing in between. You can't have my heart one week of the month, for me it's all or nothing," Sirius says miserably.

"What makes you think you're the wolf's play thing?" Remus asks sounding very confused indeed.

"Because outside of bed you never say you love me. You don't touch me. Hell a lot of the time you refuse to fucking looking at me. It's clear you're ashamed of the part of the month that you do want me and I'm sick of it. I'm no one's dirty little secret Remus, not even for you," There are tears streaking down his face now and the thought that James will throw this in his face when Remus tells him about it later vives for his attention for a moment but he ignores it.

"You are not my dirty little secret Sirius," Remus says softly making no move to touch him.

"Bullshit Remus. You can't even be bothered to stay til morning, and don't claim it's because James or Peter or Phillip might find us together, they all bloody know. Look I'm not asking for excuses for past behavior. I just want you to stay out of my bed if you can't really love me. Because as much as I love you and never want to let you go this half having you is killing me."

Remus reaches out and tenderly brushes away Sirius' tears. "Are you done now?" Sirius nods. "As I was saying, you are not my dirty little secret Sirius. I just always thought... well bugger what I thought..." Remus blushes.

"Oh, no you don't, I made an utter prat of myself already so out with it or get out," Sirius says firmly new tears still replacing the one Remus is brushing away.

"Well... I guess you don't realize but you've never said you love me before tonight... I always sort of thought this was part of your efforts to help me, not that you didn't enjoy it mind, but that it wasn't what you wanted, not for good anyway."

Sirius laughs suddenly, "We're about the daftest pair of gits on this planet I'd wager. Me for not recognizing that the goodnight 'I love you's were an attempt to get me to say it back and you for not realizing the only reason I'd let James call me a pathetic love pup is that it's true." There's a pause as his laughter dies down, "If you thought it was only sex why only the week leading up to the full moon?"

"Truth be told it was torture for me, having you but thinking it was concern, pity, not love making you sleep with me, I always tried to resist the urge to come to you until it was too strong. And every month on the 22nd day when the moon was so close I could feel it's pull on my very bones my resolve broke, like clockwork. "

"Oi, guys?" James voice reaches them, "One of you broke the bloody silencing charm so either recast it or go to sleep. As fascinating as all this soppiness is it's three in the damn morning."

Sirius starts to laugh but stops when Remus crawls back into bed curling into his side with a call of, "Night James."

"Night," James says grumpily.

Sirius puts his arm around Remus and whispers, "I love you. Goodnight."

"Love you too," Remus returns quietly, "Now I meant what I said, I'm tired so let's go to sleep."


End file.
